Category Archives: #Humor/Comical/Funny/Humorus

New Year’s Resolution

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New Year Resolutions  

Aging & Attitude

Blame the Romans for the New Year tradition of making resolutions.

In 153B.C. Janus, God of Beginnings was placed on the Roman calendar and January 1st declared the first day of the year. Pictured with two faces, one looking back, the other forward, the practice of evaluation and resolution was established.

During the nineteen hundreds people began celebrating early, making New Year’s Eve the bigger event, and a kiss at midnight a symbol of purification and luck in the United States.

It is a good time to take stock, change behavior, and anticipate a better you.  Not everyone agrees. Some believe they are already their best, and others, convinced they are doomed to break resolutions, refrain from making them.

I personally enjoy the custom.

One year I resolved not to drink wine with twist off caps and dedicated myself to promote merging in traffic. Initially I did better with the wine but after a month reevaluated the cost and went back to twist off.

Merging proved as challenging.  Friends, unable to grasp the concept of allowing vehicles to go in front of them, appeared bored by my conversation and started to avoid me, so I gave that up, too.

Last year I was determined to give up weeding, lose weight, and start Blogging. I had success with the writing and only gained five pounds, which does not count because muscle weighs more than fat, I am told at the Gym.

Giving up weeding was a disaster. I found myself returning from getting the mail with fistfuls of weeds, magazines and bills tucked under my arm.  In 100-degree heat, I would wait for cloud cover and sneak outside addicted to a bag full. By August I was weeding several times a day and paying the price with back pain and  hand tendonitis.

My resolve this year is to be more realistic. I have considered hiring, but think buying expensive wine makes better use of my money, besides setting healthy boundaries is the real issue.

Consequently my New Year Resolutions are:

  • No weeding in hot humid months.  (In Florida that means May through November.)
  • No moving rocks and the black stuff to get to weed roots.
  • Only one small plastic grocery bag a day regardless of weather conditions
  • And by 5pm to be sitting or in a prone position with something pleasant to drink.

                                                      Damn it, I am retired!

Just Saying

(What is your New Year Resolution?)

Uncle Sam Shenanigans

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Aging & Attitude

Uncle Sam Shenanigans

(Conversation between Uncle Sam and Mr. Working Middle Class)

“You know Mr. Working Middle Class, Congress is going to raise your taxes.”

“No way Uncle Sam, you’re kidding, right?”

“Am I a Kidder?  On Fox Sunday News, Democratic Senator Dick Durbin said, ‘I can’t believe, that at a time when working families in this country are struggling paycheck to paycheck, when we need them to have the resources to buy things in our economy, to create wealth and profitability and more jobs, that the Republican position is they’ll raise the payroll tax on working families? I think that just defies logic.’

“Me too, I already pay enough income tax.”

“No, they’re leaving income tax alone. Payroll tax, well really Social Security Payroll tax, FICA, you pay half and your employer pays the other half, Social Security Entitlement.”

“Social Security Entitlement, don’t you mean Social Security Benefits that I’m entitled to because I gave you money from my pay; and my employer matched that amount, to invest for my retirement and health care.”

“Right, only I didn’t invest all of it, but let’s stay focused on the Republicans. It’s not a real tax increase, call it a take back, or take away….your pay will be less because you can’t get the tax break you got. Don’t look so puzzled, payroll taxes were reduced by 2% for a year so working people could buy more stuff and stimulate the economy, create jobs. It’s time to start paying your full share again. Republicans, simply don’t want a lower rate extended.”

“Oh, I get it. Just like Bush gave the wealthy tax breaks and now it’s time for them to start paying their full share again.”

“Yes, only Republicans are smarter, they’ll never pay the 3.25% surtax on income over one million proposed by the Democrats to cover the deficit created by your 2% break. And nobody will notice when they extend their tax breaks, again.”

“Republicans have a better plan?”

“Yuppie, Republicans want to pay with cuts elsewhere. House Speaker, John Boehner recommends:

  • Freeze Federal Employee’s pay until 2015
  • Reduce bureaucracy by 200,000 jobs through attrition
  • Raise Medicare premiums for the wealthy
  • Deny unemployment benefits and food stamps for incomes over seven figures”

“Won’t that increase employment? People earning one million dollars are eligible for unemployment and food stamps?”

“Get real, the wealthy live paycheck to paycheck too.”

“Neither of these bills will pass.”

“You got that right, Mr. Working Middle Class.”

“What’s Congress going to do?”

“It’s an election year, extend the 2%, and borrow to cover the deficit. Don’t be so concerned with the wealthy.”

“You got to be kidding me.”

“Do I look like a Kidder?”

                                                                Just Saying 

Thanksgiving Turkey & Christopher Columbus

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Turkey and Christopher Columbus

Aging and Attitude

Writers can be odd thinkers. Their thinking is not peculiar, insane, or eccentric; they think differently. In my case, thoughts of cooking a turkey attach themselves to Christopher Columbus, the explorer.

Thanksgiving is a week away and Columbus Day Sale events are fresh in my mind. I could purchase a turkey on sale and cook it perfectly.

A bigger issue may be fueling this association.

Christopher Columbus questioned conventional thinking that the earth was flat. He was a trailblazer.

I am not in his league, but why do ‘people in the know’ or chefs say, “cook a turkey breast side up”?

For years, I have secretly roasted a turkey breast side down.  Recently, my discretion was revealed to a few close friends. They were speechless. Fearing they would consider me mentally ill, I explained.

“A turkey dries out breast side up as the juices sink to the bottom of the pan, so we baste the bird frequently. Why not turn the turkey upside down and stop opening the oven door?”

I was ready for their concerns and cautioned myself, do not mention your view on gravy.

“The bird will sit lopsided in the pan.” Several exclaim.

“So what, does it need a perfect tan?” I say.

“The pop-up button letting you know when it is done will not pop.” They announce in high-definition.

“The pop-up button doesn’t always pop-up.” I counter.

Christopher Columbus was not the only one to consider the earth might be round.

Perhaps I am not a lonely turkey renegade. 

Please cast your vote below for breast up or breast down. 

Just Wondering      

                                                                             

Water Bagging

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Aging & Attitude

 What is Water Bagging? Water Bagging is a newly coined phrased (by me) referencing an experience that can occur in public bathrooms. Water Bagging has a snappy ring, sounds like water boarding minus genuine torture. The similarity, other than the obvious H2O, is the incident left me feeling victimized and asking, “What can be done legally?”

My mission was to exchange an ink cartridge that went dry printing a few Sud0ku grids.

The customer service person at the local super store said, “Wthout a receipt or the packaging, I can only give you ink.”

“That’s fine.” I said. Did she think I wanted money?

“Go get a new one; you don’t have to wait in line again when you come back.”

Great, I hike to technology, grab a new HP cartridge and a second one, just in case, and skip line.  She checks me out with a reminder to save the receipt and off I go. Life is good.

I  see a restroom, do not ‘really’ have to go, but slip inside. All the stalls are in use. The handicap stall frees-up first and since not previously used by a handicap person and no handicap people are in line, I hurry in.

Thanks to an ABC story, “Your Purse Could be Making You Sick” about pseudomonia, straphylococcus aurews, EColi and salmonella invading our homes due to women putting handbags on the floor, I look to hang my bag on the back of the door. The hook is missing. My handbag is small with two handles and closes with a snap, but not snapped. I dump my bag on the edge of the sink and start to undo my slacks.  The bag slumps into the sink, no big deal, until with my pants down and a plastic grocery bag on my wrist notice that like Niagara Falls, water is pouring into my handbag. Tripping, I grab the handbag out of the sink and begin tossing the contents into the plastic bag strangling my wrist. Once the handbag is empty, I pour mega amounts of water out, puddle walk to the toilet, sit with the bags on my lap, and pee, studying my wet stuff.

The ink from the receipt is bleeding and threatens to blotch up several items.

The automated paper towel dispenser is just beyond my reach, wiggling closer (my pants are still down) I manage to activate the release of brown paper by flapping my arms. I wipe things dry while standing.  A couple of deep knee bends later my pants are secured and nothing has touched the floor.

Leaving, I stop to use a noisy hand dryer hoping to preserve the needed HP ink cartridge receipt, conflicted about searching my handbag for ear plugs to prevent loss of hearing from these mother of devices.

Does Water Bagging happen to anyone else? What are the numbers?

Legislation may be need, definitely a grass roots movement, Women United Against Automatic Flush Toilets, Soap and Paper Towel on Demand Dispensers, and Hot & Cold Water Request Valves That Only Work When You Do Not Want Them To.

We could start a protest similar to Occupy Wall Street, but still pay taxes, babysit grandchildren and sleep in beds.                                                                                                             

                                                                                           ….Just Saying.

“Overactive What?”

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 Aging & Attitude

Overactive bladder is a scary phrase for someone my age.  According to Dr. Paul Donohue, there are several ways to wet your pants.  His daily column in the local News Journal Newspaper answered a reader’s concerns and the good news; you can retrain your bladder, and or take medicine.

Leakage or stress incontinence is the loss of urine that comes when swinging a golf club, laughing, and sneezing. Laughter and golf may not go well together. If you anticipate a good time golfing, tee up with pads, not knee, the other kind. Perhaps you have seen Whoopi Goldberg’s TV advertisements. Another option is to be a straight-faced golfer committed to not laughing.

Urge incontinence is the other overactive bladder condition. Early symptoms (in my non-medical opinion) are, fear that a bathroom is not readily available when needed, and using a bathroom when you do not really have to go resulting in bladder shrinkage.

Dr. Donohue states that the medicines Vesicaare, Enablex, Detrol, Ditropan, and Sanctura help control the urge resulting from bladder contractions. He suggests retraining the bladder by delaying going to the bathroom for five minutes for a full week and gradually increasing the time before “going” until you are “going” every two hours or more. This process may result in doing the pee-pee dance, but it does work.

He also recommends avoiding alcohol, carbonated beverages, milk, milk products, honey, sugar and artificial sweeteners during training periods. This man is no fun.

Dr. Donohue goes on to describe a more barbaric invasive procedure, called InterStim no one wants to talk about, although it does stimulate a nerve somewhere in the lower body.

Thank you Dr. Paul Donohue. It is comforting to know there are options. We can take medicine or give up wine, ice cream and going out to retrain our bladder. . . .just saying.